I wanted to jump from my friend's window out of his flat in Berlin, into the courtyard below, and be cracked apart

I wanted to be dumped in a barrel of acid, and found maybe thirty years later, when the acid had evaporated, and my human remains were just a thick slime at the bottom

I wanted to be smothered and killed by people I loved

I wanted, and this went on for ages, to be stripped naked, bound at the hands and feet, and cut ever so slightly, and then pause, and recovered, and then cut again ever so slightly, and then again, and so on, and what happens over time is that as you lose Vitamin C the flesh your body stitches itself together with starts to come undo and so when you get scurvy, every single cut you've ever had on your body opens at once, and you bleed to death

I wanted to have someone fuck me very gently in the ass, someone else to suck me, someone else to kiss me, and to be injected very slowly with poison